DEARMAN SKILL

Session Digital Version

Theme Song: Watch “We Can Work it Out” video.

MINDFULNESS “VISUALIZATION” EXERCISE Form mental images to take a visual journey.

Step 1: You may want to close your eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing.

Step 2: Imagine a peaceful, calming place or situation. Your favorite physical or emotional ‘space’ where you have happy memories.

Step 3: Think about smells, sounds, touch and sights – use as many senses as you can.

Step 4: Walk around that place or situation in your mind remembering everything that you relate to it.

Discuss: What was your experience like? What did you notice?

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Review your commitments from the FAST – DBT Skill session:

·      Practice the FAST Skills, use the worksheet.

·      Identify one Worry Thought every day and create a Wise Mind replacement statement.

·      Use the “What Stops You from Achieving Your Goals Handout” to trouble shoot interpersonal relationships.

·      Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

·      Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.

1.We communicate to create and maintain relationships. DBT’s DEARMAN Skills help us be effective in attaining specific goals objectives in any interpersonal communication. These objectives are ordinarily the reason for our interaction with others in the first place. The DEARMAN skills are really the same thing as being assertive and are particularly useful in situation where we want to:

·      Get others to do what we ask them to do – not manipulate them.

·      Say no to unwanted requests and make it stick.

·      Resolve interpersonal conflict or make changes in relationships.

·      Get our legitimate rights respected.

·      Get our opinion or point of view taken seriously.

Watch: “True Grit” video.

Discuss: What were Maddie goals or objectives in this interaction?

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2. “Sand” refers to a person who has “true grit”, strength of character, pluck, stamina or the ability to see things through to the end. DEARMAN is shorthand for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, be Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate Skills. As we review these skills note below if Maddie included them in her DEARMAN.

3. First, DESCRIBE the situation you are responding to, stick to the facts, don’t make judgmental statements. Be objective. What could a third party have observed, or would agree had occurred. Remember you want to describe the events, not your interpretation of what happened. Think about what could be submitted as evidence in a court of law.

4. EXPRESS clearly how you feel or what you believe about the situation. Don’t expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel. Give a brief rationale for a request or for saying no. By sharing your personal reactions to the situation, you are making it easier for the other person to figure out what you really want from this interaction.

5.ASSERT, ask for, what you want. Don’t expect people to know what you want them to do if you don’t tell them. Don’t beat around the bush, never really asking or saying no. Don’t tell them what they should do. Be clear, concise, and assertive. There is a difference between being assertive and aggressive. Being aggressive is when people try to get their way by demanding/telling and not giving the other person any say in the outcome, this is controlling, potentially hostile and tends to damage relationships.

6.REINFORCE your wishes with the other person. Identify something positive or rewarding that would happen if they respond the way you want. “Carrots” are more effective than “sticks”, linking your request to consequences that other people desire will make them more likely to agree. If others do not gain at least some of the time from complying with your requests, taking no for an answer, or listening to your opinions, they may stop responding in a positive way.

 7.Stay MINDFUL of your objectives in the situation. To maintain your position and avoid being distracted by another topic act like a skipping record on a turntable. Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over. If another person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ignore their threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Just keep making your point and don’t take the bait. When you respond to an attack, you often lose track of your objective—and when that happens, the other person has taken control of the conversation. When the other person attacks don’t respond or “play the game.”

8.APPEAR CONFIDENT. Use a tone of voice,  physical manner and posture that conveys to both the other person and yourself that you are effective and deserve respect for what you want. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor – maintain appropriate eye contact – retreating, saying you’re not sure, etc. The skill is to appear confident, not be confident. It is normal to be nervous or scared during a difficult conversation. Acting nervous or scared only interferes with your effectiveness.

9.NEGOTIATION, be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. Be prepared to reduce your request. Maintain your no, but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way. An alternative technique is to turn the problem over to the other person. Ask them for alternative solutions to what you are proposing.

How did Maddie do using the DEARMAN? Did she leave out any of the skills? If so, why?

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Watch: “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” video.

Discuss: What do you think Midge’s parents’ specific objective or goal was in this situation? How effective were they in accomplishing it? Were there things that Midge’s parent could have avoided bringing up?

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CURFEW DEARMAN ACTIVITY

Go through all seven steps of the DEARMAN Skill -- Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, be Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate. Using these skills what could have any parent/partner have said or did when someone came home after curfew? (If you get stuck, some example parent/partner statements are listed at the end of the activity.)

A. Describe the situation. No judgements, no opinions, stick to the facts.

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B. Express your feelings using “I” statements.

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C. Assert by asking for what you want or say “no” clearly. Remember, the other person cannot read your mind. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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D. Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want. 

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E. Mindful. Stay focused on your goals. Do not get distracted or allow yourself to get sidetracked. Return to your goals and your request again and again, like a broken record.

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F. Appear Confident. Make and maintain eye contact. Use a confident tone of voice.

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G. Negotiate. Be willing to give to get. Ask for the other person’s input. Offer alternative solutions to the problem. Know when to “agree to disagree” and walk away.

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Example parent/partner statements:

A. For the last two weeks, I have noticed you coming home after our 11:00 pm curfew.

B. I worry when you come home late.

C. I would like you to come home by curfew.

D. I would be able to trust you more if you stuck to our house rules and it would help me plan better to take care of the kids when you are out.

E. I know your friends stay out later than you and I would still like you to do your best to meet our curfew agreement.

G. If you can do this for the next two weeks, then I will feel comfortable talking about revising our curfew agreement.

 DEARMAN PRACTICE ACTIVITY

How do you say no to an unwanted requests and make it stick. For example, someone puts you on the spot with an unexpected financial request. You really don’t know whether to say yes or no. Role play the situation with a partner by going through all seven steps of the DEARMAN Skill -- Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, be Mindful, Appear confident and Negotiate. Your goal in this interaction is to ask for time to think it over and not impulsively respond on the spot. Remember to use the Assert step, “I need to think about it.”

Discuss: Share with the group what you learned about applying DEAR MAN skills in difficult interactions.

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Watch: “DEARMAN End Credits” video.

As we roll the end credits for the DEARMAN – DBT Skill session think about what is the most important thing you learned in this session and what will you do differently because of what you learned?

Session Commitments

Practice the DEARMAN skill, see accompanying worksheet 

Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.