GIVE SKILL

Session Online Version

Watch: Watch “Shower The People” video.

MINDFULNESS “LEAVES ON A STREAM” EXERCISE ACTIVITY

Shift from looking from your thoughts, to looking at your thoughts. Notice you don’t need to control or change those thoughts in any way, thoughts will come and go naturally, without you having to do anything.

Step 1: Sit in a comfortable position and either close your eyes or rest them gently on a fixed spot in the room.

Step 2: For the next few minutes visualize yourself sitting beside a gently flowing stream with leaves floating along the surface of the water. -- Pause 20 seconds.

Step 3: Take each thought that enters your mind and place it on a leaf… let it float by.  Do this with each thought – pleasurable, painful, or neutral.  Even if you have joyous or enthusiastic thoughts, place them on a leaf and let them float by. If your thoughts momentarily stop, continue to watch the stream.  Sooner or later, your thoughts will start up again -- Pause 20 seconds.

Step 4: Allow the stream to flow at its own pace.  Don’t try to speed it up and rush your thoughts along. You’re not trying to get rid of your thoughts. You are allowing them to come and go at their own pace. If your mind says “This is dumb,” “I’m bored,” or “I’m not doing this right” place those thoughts on leaves, too, and let them pass. -- Pause 20 seconds.

Step 5: If a leaf gets stuck, allow it to hang around until it’s ready to float by.  If the thought comes up again, watch it float by another time -- Pause 20 seconds.

Step 6: If a difficult or painful feeling arises, simply acknowledge it.  Say to yourself, “I notice myself having a feeling of boredom/impatience/frustration.”  Place those thoughts on leaves and allow them float along. -- Pause 20 seconds.

Step 7: From time to time, your thoughts may hook you and distract you from being fully present in this exercise. This is normal.  As soon as you realize that you have become sidetracked, gently bring your attention back to the visualization exercise. – Pause 20 seconds.

Discuss: What was your experience like? What did you notice?___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Review your commitments from the Ride the Wave session:

·      Surf an intense emotion or urge using the Ride the Wave Practice Handout

·      Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

·      Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.

1.Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)  Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills focus on building and maintaining positive relationships. Improving the quality of relationships affects other skill capacities. For example, a solid social support network helps us tolerate distress, and fulfilling, low-conflict relationships help build positive emotions and buffer against negative ones. The DBT skills for maintaining relationships and reducing conflict also include getting what we want and fulfilling the need for our own self-respect in those relationships.

Watch: “A River Runs Through It” video.

 Discuss: Can we love completely -- without complete understanding?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2.Interpersonal Effectiveness has three main goals and a set of specific skills for accomplishing each goal.

·      Goal 1. To keep and maintain healthy effective relationships use the GIVE Skills. How do I want the other person to feel about me? If I care about the person or if the person has authority over me, did I act in a way that keeps the person respecting and liking me?

·      Goal 2. To effectively maintain your self-respect, use the FAST Skills. How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction? What are my values? Did I act in a way that makes me feel positive about myself?

·      Goal 3. To get somebody to do what you want use the DEAR MAN Skills. What do I want? What do I need? How do I get it? How do I effectively say “no”? How do I ask for something, resolve a problem, or have people take me seriously?

3. Knowing what you want can help you get what you want, so clarifying our goals and priorities is the first and most important Interpersonal Effectiveness skill. Before we go into a specific interaction or communication with someone it helps to know what is most important to us. Many interactions get off track because we are not clear about what we really want or when our emotions interfere with knowing what we want. Stop and ask your Wise Mind, What is my goal here? What am I trying to accomplish? Since every situation is different, we also need to figure out what might be interfering with using our DBT skills. The “What Stops You from Achieving Your Goals Handout” list factors that can stop us from achieving our interpersonal goals.

DID ANYTHING GET IN THE WAY ACTIVITY

Step 1: Describe a recent interaction or communication with someone when you tried to keep or maintain a healthy relationship. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 2: What factors got in the way? (Look at the “What Stops You from Achieving Your Goals Handout”)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 3: Share what you wrote with the group.

Watch: “Lady Bird” video,

4. People don’t like to be bullied, pushed, or made to feel guilty. The premise in DBT is that we need to learn to be better at encouraging others to do what we want them to do, while at the same time getting others to like doing it. GIVE is shorthand for four skills:

·      (be) Gentle. Be nice and respectful in your approach. People tend to respond to gentleness more than they do to harshness. Don’t attack, use threats, or cast judgments. Be aware of your tone of voice.

·      (act) Interested. Listen and act interested in the other person. People will feel better about you if you seem interested in them and you give them time and space to respond to you. Don’t interrupt or talk over him or her. Don’t make faces. Maintain good eye contact.

·      Validate. Show that you understand the other person’s feelings or opinions. Be nonjudgmental out loud. We can validate a reason why a person is feeling, thinking, or doing something, without agreeing with what they are actually thinking or doing.

·      (use an) Easy manner. Try to be lighthearted. Use a little humor. Smile. Ease the other person along. Use nonthreatening body language. Leave your attitude at the door.

Discuss: Were the voices of Lady Bird and her mother gentle and respectful with each other or were they angry and yelling? Did they ask or did they demand? Did they listen or did they cut each other off? How could their interaction helped maintain a healthy relationship during their 21 hour and 5 minute college trip, if just one of them had used the GIVE Skills?___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

WALKING ON EGGSHELLS ACTIVITY

“Walking on eggshells” is used to describe people you have to be careful around with your words and actions in order not to offended, hurt or upset them. In reality it’s like walking on thin ice.

Step 1: Describe a recent situation where it felt like you were walking on eggshells. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 2: Go through the GIVE skills. How could they have helped you in that situation?

(be) Gentle, ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(act) Interested

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Validate

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

use an Easy manner

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Discuss: Based on what you learned from this activity what do you need to do to improve your GIVE skills?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Watch: “GIVE End Credits” video.

As we roll the “Give” end credits think about what is the most important thing you learned in this session and what will you do differently because of what you learned? Write your thoughts below

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Session Commitments

Practice the GIVE Skills using the GIVE skill worksheet. 

When what you are doing isn’t working, use the “What Stops You from Achieving Your Goals Handout”

to troubleshoot the problem. 

Complete the Weekly DBT Diary. 

Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.