THINK & ACT DIALECTICALLY SKILL

Session Online Version

Theme Song: Watch “The Long and Winding Road”” video.

MINDFULNESS “SELF-COMPASSION BREAK” EXERCISE

Evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most

Step 1: Think of a situation that is causing you stress. Call the situation to the top of your mind and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 2: Say to yourself – “This is a moment of suffering.” “This hurts.” “This is stress.”

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 3: Now, say to yourself – “Suffering is a part of life.” “Other people feel this way.” “I’m not alone.” “We all struggle.”

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 4: Put both hands over your heart, feel their warmth and the gentle touch on your chest. Say to yourself – “May I be kind to myself.” Think about what you also need to hear right now to express kindness to yourself in the situation.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 5: With your hands still over your heart say -- May I:

·      Give myself the compassion that I need,

·      Learn to accept myself as I am,

·      Forgive myself,

·      Be strong,

·      Be patient, and

·      Any other expression of self-compassion.

Let at least 15 seconds pass for this final step.

(adapted from https://self-compassion.org/, Neff 2022)

Discuss: what was your experience like? What did you notice?

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Think: Review your commitments from the “Turning the Mind – DBT Skill” session:

·      Use the Willingness Practice Worksheet at least once during the week.

·      Practice Half-Smiling and Willing Hands every day.

·      Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

·      Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.

1. DBT reminds us that everything and every person is connected in some way in a long and winding road. Understanding the interconnectedness of all things increases our understanding of our influence on others and theirs on us. “Why leave me standing here, let me know the way.” If we act in ways that are harsh, critical or invalidating we’ll likely receive the same treatment in return. Although all of us may at times feel alone and unconnected, particularly after a wild and windy “night”, some people feel unconnected almost all the time. Finding connection and building a sense of inclusion can take much more work for some people who many times feel alone “crying for the day”. Mindfulness is a path to experiencing this connection.

Watch: “Schindler's List" video.

2. Over six years during World War II, the lives of this German Christian couple and group of Polish Jews became intertwined. That everything in the universe is interconnected is a major finding of modern physics. It is also a tenet of all major religions and spiritual paths. Although we can feel like outsiders and we can be treated as outsiders, in reality there are no outsiders and no insiders. We are connected even if we don’t experience the connection. The floor touches the door to the outside; the door touches the porch or sidewalk; the sidewalk touches the street; the street goes so many places; and so on and so on.

RECOGNIZE UNITY ACTIVITY

From the beginning of recorded human history, individuals have had profound experiences of feeling this reality of the universe as one. Describe an experience when you realized that you were not alone and are connected to others and the universe. How did that experience make you feel?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Discuss: Share what you wrote.

3. Sometimes people are very connected and just don’t experience or see it. The absence of a sense of connection can also be due to beliefs that life must go the way we want it to if we are to be content. People who get stuck viewing a situation only one way find that interpersonal conflict and standoffs increases. We can get unstuck by adopting DBT’s dialectical approach -- expand our thoughts and ways of considering life situations; become more flexible and approachable; and avoid assumptions and blaming. Practicing Mindfulness, Radical Acceptance and Willingness skills can also help.

Watch: “Jurassic Park” video.

4. We can learn to be more dialectical by applying the following skills. Did the Laura Dern character in the “Jurassic Park” film use any of these?

(a). Move away from “all or nothing” thinking towards “both and” thinking. Acknowledging, mentally and verbally that “both this AND this is true”. Avoid extreme words such as always and never. Instead, be descriptive.

(b). Practice looking at all sides of a situation and all points of view. Find the kernel of truth in every side by asking yourself, “What is being left out, what am I missing?”. Be generous and dig deep as you consider others’ points of view.

(c). Remember, that no one has the absolute truth in a relationship. Be open to alternatives.

(d). Use “I feel . . .” PIUS statements instead of “You are . . .”, “You should . . .” statements.

(e). Accept that different opinions can be valid, even if you do not agree with them.

(f). Check your assumptions. Do not assume that you know what others are thinking.

(g). Do not expect others to know what you are thinking.

DIALECTIC THINKING ACTIVITY

Step 1: Describe an issue that has polarized you and a loved one. One where you have engaged in “all or nothing” thinking.

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Step 2: Using the above dialectic skills, write a statement that reflects a dialectical viewpoint on that issue. Try to use a “both-and” thinking idea in your statement.

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Discuss: Share what you wrote with the group. Are there windows of opportunity when you could share that statement with your loved one?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Watch: “Yellow Submarine” video.

5. The experience of being unconnected, of being an outsider, or of not fitting in can be extremely painful. Fear and shame are common emotions here. We cannot change this experience at will; trying to suppress it is also not effective. Finding connection and building a sense of inclusion take much more work for some people than for others. The fact that you are not an outsider in the universe does not mean that you may not feel like an outsider in the community that you are in or that you want to be in. You may not be alone in the universe, but you may feel alone in your home. The universe as a whole may love and cherish you, but there may not be person who loves you enough to call you on the phone or wants to live with you.

Discuss: Have you ever felt disconnected, an outsider, alone or not fitting in?  What emotions has this experience set off? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6. The loss of connection can be the result of “living with your eyes half closed” due to being too busy to notice, not taking time to “smell the flowers” or a habit of inattentiveness to everyday life. It may also be due to having a very rigid idea of what it means to be connected. This tendency is quite common in situations where one person, family system or group makes up and enforces ‘rules’ for what counts as being loved, valued or included. By following the Golden Rule, “We must treat others as we wish others to treat us.” we can develop an understanding of how we want to be loved.

7. DBT’s mindfulness practice enables us to increase love and compassion toward ourselves and others. Compassion is one of the hallmarks of being in Wise Mind. It is difficult to find any discussion of Wise Mind or of experiencing reality as it is, religious or spiritual awakening, or the wisdom or enlightenment without a corresponding discussion of love and compassion towards self and others.

Watch: “Gandhi” video.

7. Wise Mind helps us let go of judgmental thinking. As you settle more often into Wise Mind, you too will find that you become more tolerant and more likely to radically accept yourself and others, as well as less likely to judge, criticize, and reject yourself and others. The outcome of Wise Mind is a greater capacity for love—love of others and love of oneself. Compassion makes much more sense once you realize that you and the universe are one. Cutting off your arm is cutting off your friend’s or neighbor’s arm. Hurting others is hurting yourself.

PERSONAL GOALS ACTIVITY

The general goal of DBT is “to learn how to change you own behaviors, emotions and thoughts that are linked to problems in living and are causing misery and distress” (Linehan, 2015). At the beginning of your DBT study we asked you to set some personal behavior and skills goals. What are your goals now? If they have changed, Why?

Step 1: What unwanted behaviors do I want to decrease?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 2: What skills do I want to increase?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Watch: “Think & Act Dialectically End Credits” video.

Session Commitments

Share a statement with your loved one that reflects a dialectical viewpoint on an issue that has polarized the both of you.

Compare the personal behavior and skills goals set at the beginning of your DBT study with your new goals.

Complete the Weekly DBT Diary. 

Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.