VALIDATION SKILL

SESSION ONLINE VERSION

Theme song: Watch “Sit Down Young Stranger” video.

MINDFULNESS “A GOOD LIFE” EXERCISE
Visualize a good life for someone you care about.

Step 1: Imagine someone you care about a child, partner, spouse, friend, parent, etc. at whatever age you wish. Picture them doing well in whatever activity, job, relationship or situation you desire for them. Be specific. See them in full detail. What are they wearing? Notice their hair, body position, the expression on their face.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 2: Observe your own feelings as you watch them independently and successfully live in harmony with their surroundings.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 3: Fully experience releasing them into their own self-reliant experience and bless them in your mind for the ability to live life fully and happily.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 4: Spend a few moments visualizing this scene in as much detail as possible as if it were absolutely true.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 5: Now gradually allow the scene to move away from you and release it into a clear, blue sky. Watch as it disappears over the horizon, up, up and out of view.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving.

Discuss: What was your experience like? What did you notice? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Review your commitments from the Understand Emotion session.

·      Answer the questions on the Effective Emotions Worksheet.

·      Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

·      Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.

1. Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation. Invalidation communicates (intentionally or not, through words or actions) that another person’s feelings, thoughts, and actions in a particular situation make no sense, are “manipulative,” or “stupid,” or an “overreaction,” or not worthy of your time, interest, or respect. It helps improve relationships  by letting others know we're paying attention and get what they're saying. This is particularly useful, especially if we or someone we care about often feels really strong emotions, has emotional outbursts, or does things we don't like.

2. Validation can:

· Calm down strong emotions

· Take away the need to argue about who's right and avoid fights

· Lessen anger

· Make unwanted behaviors happen less or wanted behaviors happen more

· Make your relationship stronger

· Make communication work better

Watch: “It's Not About the Nail” video.

3. Validation means finding the kernel of truth in someone’s perspective of a situation that verifies their facts. It acknowledges that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are real, make sense, have causes and are understandable to you. It is important to validate the valid, and only the valid, of others experiences, feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts. You can validate others by using one of six basic levels of validation:

V1. Pay attention, stay awake -- Look interested, listen, and observe facial expressions, body language and what is happening. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod occasionally. Respond with your face. Smile at happy statements; look concerned when you hear something painful.

V2. Reflect back. -- Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is saying or doing. Try to really “get” what they feel or think. (Reflective Listening is introduced in the “Effective Communication” session.)

V3. Develop a ‘third ear’. Read minds.  Be sensitive to what is not being said or expressed.

4. V4. Understand. -- Given their past learning and experience, state of mind or body, and current events in your environment are they making sense. Remember you probably know more about your loved one than anyone else. Validation is an opportunity to use that knowledge to help them change.

V5. Acknowledge the valid. -- Even if you don’t approve or if you feel their belief is incorrect show that you see the persons thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and the facts. Demonstrate that you understand in words or by your actions.

V6. Be Yourself. -- Be willing to admit mistakes. Give up being defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling them what to do if you are not asked to do so. Treat the other person as an equal, don’t make them feel like they are fragile or incompetent. Completing the “Did I Validate? Worksheet” at the end of this session can help you be better prepared to validate.

Discuss: Are there levels of validation you are doing? Which levels of validation are you struggling with? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Watch: “To Kill a Mockingbird” video.

5. Like Mary Badham’s character in the “To Kill a Mockingbird” film when we feel as if our thoughts and feelings are being dismissed, minimized or misunderstood (in-validated) our emotions can become more intense as we try to get others to understand. The good news is that our most effective responses to those in need are usually very simple. Like Gregory Peck’s character, the greatest gift he can give his daughter is to show interest in her, ask questions, listen with love and help her feel safe sharing with him. Regardless of our best intentions, it can be easy to say things that are in-validating when we are trying to help others through difficult times. This should not scare us away from continuing to try and be helpful.

VALIDATING OR IN-VALIDATING ACTIVITY

Step 1: Read the following responses and decide if they are validating or in-validating. Put an "X" in either the “Validating” or “In-validating” box.

“At least you still have. . ."

“This must be really hard. . ."

“Everything happens for a reason. . ."

“Just look on the bright side. . ."

“I can’t imagine what you are going through. . ."

“I’m glad you told me about this. . ."

"You’re manipulating me. . ."

“This too shall pass. . ."

“I’m happy to listen any time. . ."

“It’s all in your head. . ."

“I want to make sure I understand. . ."

“What has this been like for you?"

“This must be hard to talk about. . ."

“You’re interrupting me. . ."

“I know how you feel. . ."

“What do you need right now?"

Step 2: What do the in-validating statements have in common? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 3: What do the validating statements have in common? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6. Validating others does not necessarily imply agreement or approval of their beliefs, opinions, or actions. Validation is about acknowledging and respecting someone's perspective or feelings without necessarily endorsing or sharing those views. When we validate others, we acknowledge their right to have their own thoughts and emotions. It's a way of showing empathy and understanding without passing judgment. This does not mean that we abandon our own values or compromise our principles; rather, it reflects an openness to recognize the diversity of perspectives in a respectful manner. Validation fosters a sense of connection and trust. It helps create an environment where individuals feel heard and understood, even if there are differences in opinions. This approach can lead to more constructive and open conversations, as it reduces defensiveness and encourages people to express themselves without fear of rejection. It promotes a more inclusive and understanding communication style that can contribute to healthier relationships and more effective dialogue.

Watch: “La La Land” video.

7. Self-invalidation involves perceiving your own feelings, thoughts, and actions as NOT making sense, accurate or acceptable in a particular situation. It involves rejecting or invalidating your own emotions. When you're stuck in emotion vulnerability, you're caught up in your emotions, and when you're stuck in self-invalidation, you're judging or rejecting yourself for having these emotions. You can validate yourself by using one of the same six basic levels of validation.

V1. Pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and observable behaviors.

V2. Reflect back by describing to yourself your private thoughts, feelings and observable behaviors.

8. V3. Be sensitive to what you are not saying or expressing. What are your emotions and the situation telling you that you need.

V4. Understand your thoughts and feelings. Remember given your past learning and experience, state of mind or body, and current events in your environment you are doing the best you can.

V5. Acknowledge the valid, even if others don’t approve or if they feel your belief is incorrect. Stand up for yourself when you, feelings, or actions are valid.

V6. Treat yourself as equal to others, don’t let them make you feel that you are fragile or incompetent.

SELF-INVALIDATION ACTIVITY

Step 1: Name a feeling you had during the week that made you feel uncomfortable and invalidated.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 2: When you had this feeling, how did you respond? What are some of the self-invalidating statements you thought or made to others? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 3: What are some of the observable self-invalidating behaviors you did when you had this feeling? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 4: Describe a better way to respond, a way that would have helped you tolerate the uncomfortable feeling more effectively without invalidating yourself.

Discuss: Share what you learned from doing this activity.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Watch: “Validation End Credits” video.

9. As we roll the Validation DBT Skill end credits think about what is the most important thing you learned in this session and what will you do differently because of what you learned. Write your thoughts below.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Our Session Commitments include:

·      Using a validating statement at least once a day.

·      Complete the Did I Validate Worksheet.

·      Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

·      Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills